So you’ve recently discovered that your partner is having an affair, what should you do? Now you have a whole range of emotions, anger and trust issues that you need to deal with. This is the time to consider your options and think carefully before you go and do something irrational which might lead to the problem escalating, such as pushing your partner further away or ultimately divorce.
Firstly, let’s take a deep breath and try to stay calm, you have every right to be angry, upset and frustrated right now, and you might even consider strangling your spouse, but let’s stop for a minute and consider whether this is the best option. You might notice that having an angry fit at your partner may do more harm than good, you may end up driving them further away and having them refuse to talk about the issues and problems in your marriage that would you otherwise might be able to fix.
Begin by trying to talk about your marriage with your spouse and see if there were any problems that may have contributed to their actions. Try to avoid asking about the other person for now, as your partner might be hesitant to talk about them.
If you feel that you cannot calm your anger and emotions down try as hard as you can not to engage your spouse about the affair for now, remember that you need to be thinking more clearly and rational about this. Try to find some time and space to yourself and get yourself in a relaxed state of mind.
Try to reflect back on your marriage and consider whether you have any partial contribution to problems in your marriage. You have every right to believe what your partner did was wrong, however this does not mean that everything you did in the relation has been perfect, if you believe it to be so.then you’ve fallen for the trap of self-righteousness.
This comes from the belief that your needs are much more important than your partners, when both party needs to make commitments to making things work. Self-righteousness destroys this feeling of mutual change for the benefit of both partners and their relationship.
Think back to all the issues and the problems in your marriage and make a commitment to put in the effort to change things for the better. Pay attention to the things that have been lacking in your marriage and cover these issues so that your partner don’t have to go seeking them from somewhere else, and most importantly, focus on the needs of your partner as much as your own, they might be the one that did the wrong thing but remember that both parties need to make a commitment to making this marriage work.