I sometimes hear from people who would give anything to turn back time so that they could take back their affair. They deeply regret their actions. But unfortunately, there is no way to take it back. And because of this, their actions can hurt their spouse so deeply that their spouse can feel as if they no longer are in love and invested in their marriage. This can leave the cheating spouse feeling helpless and desperately looking for a way to make their spouse love them once again.
I heard from a wife who said: “I made a huge mistake and had a short term affair with my boss. I immediately told my husband about it. At first, he really tried to understand. He didn’t leave right away. He told me that he would try to save our marriage. But, as time has gone by, our marriage has continued to struggle. My husband has tried to reign in his anger. He doesn’t really lash out at me or say the nasty things that I deserve to hear. Instead, he very calmly tells me that he doesn’t think that he loves me anymore. He says he can’t love me because of the way that I betrayed him. He says that the trust is gone. He stresses that he will always care for me but he can’t love me as a husband because of my actions. I understand this in a way, but it still breaks my heart. I still love him. He is the love of my life and I don’t want to let him go. How can I make him love me again so that we can move on and remain married?”
I did understand where this wife was coming from. I was the faithful spouse,but I watched my husband grapple with the same thing. We were able to restore the love in our marriage, but I firmly believe that my husband didn’t “make” me feel anything. Instead, his actions encouraged the love to return. I will explain the distinction below.
Why You Shouldn’t Attempt To “Make” Your Spouse Feel Anything.
I am going to be very honest in this article. I hope that I don’t come across as insensitive because I really do want to help. But frankly, sometimes the best thing that you can do when you want to save your marriage is to stress that you are the one who made the mistake and that you realize your job is to help your spouse to recover, regardless of what happens with your marriage. You want to show that you care more about their recovery than you care about yourself or even about your marriage.
But when you try to manipulate them into feeling something too soon for your own gain, you are truly only hurting yourself because they are going to see right through this and they are more likely to be even more reluctant to trust you.
But, if you just commit to acting in their best interest and you allow them to go at their own pace, they are actually more likely to feel positively toward you. In short, if you take the manipulation and impatience out of the equation, you are more likely to get the results that you want.
Focus On Being The Best Spouse That You Can Possibly Be And Have Confidence That Eventually the Love Will Return:
People often ask me for concrete things that they can do or say to bring the love back. But the thing is, I can’t point to one specific action that is going to work for every couple. It’s going to be different for each couple and it does take time.
Instead of trying to come up with a short term solution, look at the big picture of your marriage. If you want your spouse to love you, then you need to act in a lovable way over and over again until the trust is restored. You need to ask yourself what your spouse values the most.
I can give you a hint and say that most spouses who have been cheated on come to value honesty and loyalty very much. So, you want to make sure that everything that you say is completely accurate and honest. You want to make sure that from this day forward that everything that you say is true. You want to be loving and loyal. You want to be patient, kind, and reassuring. Because if your spouse feels as if you are impatient and trying to manipulate them, then they will begin to think that it is all about you and not about them.
They need to believe that you are putting them first. It’s likely that you have known your spouse long enough to know what they truly want from you. So, make sure that you are genuinely giving them what you know they want and that you are patiently waiting for them to accept it. Do not pressure them. Do not continue to ask them if they are beginning to love you again.
Instead, make sure that the focus is on helping them heal. And have confidence that if you focus on helping them and standing by them, eventually your loving behavior will bring about loving feelings in them.
The ball truly is in their court. But your actions, words, and behaviors go a long way toward making the outcome that you want more likely. Always remember that when you focus on helping them, you likely get benefits as well.