Once upon a time men and women would meet at a school dance or the annual town ball or via friends setting you up for a blind date. Things were simpler then. You didn’t expect to stray too far from your home town to meet the love of your life and once you did you didn’t stray too far from your parents or other family members when you were setting up your home together.
And by the way women would never have been so bold as to propose marriage unless it was St Valentine’s Day.
But now things seem to have become so much more complicated and sometimes I wonder if this has been for the better or maybe is actually for the worse. So many marriages are now arranged over the internet through dating sites or through the limitless number of forums and chat groups that now abound drawing people of similar interest together.
But instead of giving us more choices, as would seem to be the case, maybe it has limited the choice by setting expectations higher than might have once been even thought possible.
As a consequence I receive many emails from clients who are asking whether they should cross the world to meet up with the person they believe may become their life-long partner.
Here’s one such question I received recently:
“… well this has being bothering me and i want to go and meet with her…. well she is in USA and im in Nigeria, we have talked so much and i feel she loves me and i love her too… she is 40yrs old and im 29yrs old… please advise me, should i travel down there to her for we to marry and bear children like husband and wife because she said that she want to marry me….”
My antennas are immediately extended when I read questions like this. Firstly my antennas are pricked regarding the true intentions of the person inviting the other to visit with the possibility of marriage. The other detail of this question that alerts me is the age gap between the two people; she is 40 and he a new graduate at age 29. I wonder what is the attraction here especially to the 40 year old who is the one extending the invitation to the younger man.
Finally I question the capacity for two people to decide they love each other purely from email or phone exchanges. This can’t possibly answer questions about who that person really is and whether you could truly live successfully together let alone be ready to make a decision about marrying or having children together.
There are so many things to consider before any discussion about marriage can be had not least of which relates to where you will live and what are the visa requirements for that to even start to happen.
So my suggestion to this couple is for both of you to spend time with each other in your own environments before making any decision about the future or marriage. This will allow you both to meet each other’s families to discover where this person has come from and what their values are about life and living as a couple. This will also allow you to familiarise yourself with each other’s life styles, cultural practices and religious beliefs and practices.
I would encourage each of you to also take a really close look at what is motivating your want to marry someone from across the world. Is it for the promise of a better life? Is it as a means to get away from your own country or family? Is it for the promise of a fairy tale come true?
If, after really thinking through all these conditions, you decide that you still wish to proceed know then that you are making a good decision based not only on your heart’s responses but also your head’s well thought through considerations. Then meet with each other and take as much time as necessary to really find out who each other is before making any decision about marriage or children.