A few months after my divorce, one that I did not want, I heard my son say from the back seat of my car. “Mom, do you have pictures of Dad?” My answer was, “yes, why do you ask?” Now keep in mind my son was 5 at the time. His answer, “You need to cut them up and throw them away.” Before I had a chance to respond he added, “You got to move on mom.”
Wow!! Out of the mouth of babes! Not sure where he heard this, probably from my ex. Nevertheless, I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. But, after taking a moment to think about it, my answer was simple.
The cutting-up-pictures part, well, let’s just say I wasn’t willing to do that. Those pictures are part of a beautiful time in my life, the time when my son was born, and the wonderful few years afterwards. Nope! I was not parting with those pictures.
As for the moving on part, this was definitely something I had to do. No question about it, and below are just some of the ways I found helpful.
1. Acceptance! Accepting the fact that it really is over and there is no going back. That chapter in your life is done and it is time to turn the page and, as my son so eloquently put it, move on! This may be harder for some than others. For me it was a hard pill to swallow. Admitting that my ex didn’t love me anymore was difficult, but necessary if I wanted to move on and hopefully find someone who would love me for me. Acceptance is that key that will open new doors.
2. Surrender! Stop resisting. So much time and energy is wasted when we are in resistance. We just make things harder by resisting and denying. It puts us at war with our own thoughts. It’s only by surrendering that we find relief, and change becomes possible.
3. Allow yourself to grieve. This is necessary in the process of letting go. Grieving has several steps; Shock and disbelief, sadness, anger, pain, and finally letting go. You must allow yourself to feel all these feelings. During this time it’s important to remember that feelings aren’t fact, and they have nothing to do with behaviors. You can choose how to behave while these feelings run their course.
4. Forgiveness! Most of us have at one time or another been hurt in a relationship. Some of us didn’t want to forgive. We wanted to stay angry at the person who hurt us. Some of us even wanted revenge. But the truth is, holding onto that anger, not wanting to forgive, only hurts us and not the other person. It keeps us stuck, and if we want to have any kind of peace in our lives than forgiveness is absolutely necessary. And we do it for ourselves. Daily practice of forgiveness encourages humility, which attracts gratitude. And gratitude is a blessing which always brings more happiness into our lives. The forgiving heart is a happy heart.
5. Stop focusing on the failed relationship and start focusing on growth and improvement. For whatever reason it didn’t work out and now it’s time to focus your attention on moving forward. It’s no longer about them. It’s about you. How can you grow from this and find new ways to improve yourself? There are always lesson we can learn from our experiences. So look to the past and learn, but don’t live in the past.
6. Being single can be healthy. It’s also a good time to get to know yourself and what you’re looking for in your next relationship. Make a list. Do you have the qualities you’re looking for in someone else? If the answer is no then it’s time to get to work. And whatever you do save your heart for the right relationship, not the first one.
7. CHOOSE to focus on the now. Every time I caught myself thinking about my ex I visualized a huge stop sign. This was my way of reminding me to re-focus on what was going on in my life in the present. No need to the waste anymore of your valuable time and energy on something you can’t do anything about. Time to focus on the NOW, and all the wonderful things you could be doing. Are their hobbies you stopped doing that you can take up again? How about volunteering? There are so many things you could be doing to make a positive difference in your life, as well as the lives of those around you.
8. Lean on family and friends. This is the time when we really need our family and friends. As tempting as it may be to isolate, don’t. It’s OK to have a little alone time, but isolating will only impede your progress in the long run. The people in our lives that truly love us will want to help. Let them.
9. Be good to yourself, and give yourself a break. This is not going to be an easy time in your life, but you WILL make it. Some say it’s important to keep busy, and this is true. But not so busy that you don’t take time to just walk in the park. Perhaps stop and sit on a park bench and appreciate all the beauty that surrounds you. Learn to be grateful for all the little things in your life, and to realize all the wonderful things about yourself. We all have gifts, but we too often think about what we DON’T like about ourselves instead of looking at all our great qualities.
10. Finally, we must understand that this can be a very vulnerable time in our lives. We may be filled with self-doubt and we may even start to question ourselves. But always listen to your heart. Do what feels right. This is a time in your life when you can start to rediscover yourself and your passions. Soon you will know true freedom and peace.