As a marriage and family therapist with over twenty-five-years of experience, I am often amazed by the couples who come in for counseling. I am not amazed by WHY a couple comes for counseling (after all, there are just so many problems and issues that a couple can have, even though how those issues play out in their lives are unique to them). I am amazed because frequently a couple comes for counseling when the marriage is pretty much beyond repair. In the last month, I have seen four such couples. I receive a frantic phone call from one party, (and most recently, the calls have come from the husband). He states, “I have really screwed up. We need counseling!” I arrange an appointment for as soon as possible (because the caller is frantic and wants to be seen immediately).
When the couple arrives in my office, each person has a very different agenda. The one who called may want me to “fix” the marriage. The other party may simply be going through the motions of accompanying their partner to the counseling session to be able to say, “We tried everything… even counseling!” Or, perhaps the one who called for the appointment is the one who wishes to be able to state that. Either way, in these scenarios I do not have two people in my office who are ready to work on rebuilding their relationship. One of them is” done” with the relationship and already has one foot out the door. Sometimes I am able to persuade each of them to “close the exits.” That means that no one gets to leave the marriage for at least six to eight weeks, and both must commit to at least weekly couple-counseling sessions and truly work on their relationship. If they agree to this, the one who wants to leave must stay for the six to eight weeks (knowing that after this period of time, if things have not improved, he/she may leave), and the one who desperately does not want their partner to leave them is able to relax a bit for that time period and focus on attempting to heal and rebuild their relationship.
The question is: Why did the couple wait until the relationship was at death’s door before coming for help? Frequently, one party will angrily say to the other, “I asked you ten years ago to go to counseling and you wouldn’t do it, and NOW you want to go? It’s too late!” For many couples, the issues and problems that have them so concerned today are not new problems. The problems have often gone unaddressed for a very long time. It is as though one or both of them believe that “somehow” the problems will resolve and disappear without any attempt at resolution. Couples arrive and almost all say, “We have problems communicating.” This statement can mean almost anything, from “We never talk to each other about anything that matters,” to “I want out and am just staying until the kids get older,” to “He/she has been cheating on me for years, but if we discuss it, I will have to do something about this.”
The couple drops their disappointments and grief about their relationship into the lap of the therapist and often wants an immediate answer to repair all the damage that has been done. Ah, but relationship counseling does not work that way. As a therapist I would never tell a couple to stay together or to divorce. That would be very unethical! I explain that just as it has taken a long time for the relationship to erode to its present state – so, too, will it take time to rebuild and that can only happen with the cooperation of both parties. Always, the status of the marriage (stay together or separate/divorce) remains the decision of the couple. Sometimes both will agree to work on the relationship – often, one will state that he/she really wants to leave the relationship — now. If that is the case, one or both parties may wish to remain in counseling to help him/her through that separation process. Breaking up really is very hard to do.
My question: Why did they wait so long to ask for help? If one has a sore throat, and it doesn’t appear to get better, or it worsens, one would go to see a doctor. If one’s relationship is hurting, one often waits until, metaphorically, the “sore throat” progresses to inoperable cancer. Why is it so hard to ask for help with something that is so important? We know when a relationship is in trouble. Oh, yes, we do! Yet, so often one waits until it is too late for even the most skilled therapist to help the couple get back on track — because one person no longer wants or cares enough to try to heal the rift. The relationship/marriage has become “inoperable.”
We are not ostriches, and we do not need to stick our heads in the sand with the hope that things will improve on their own, things rarely do. When a relationship is in trouble, ask for help before it is too late. See a therapist… see your minister/priest/rabbi… attend a relationship workshop… take a class on communication… ask a trusted and more experienced family member for advice. Many “cancers” are able to be cured when one intervenes early. Don’t wait.