Many of us grow up in families where our parents do not treat us very well. We are emotionally abused; however, we are not physically abused. Due to not being physically abused, many people do not take our concerns seriously because our “safety was never at risk.” If a person undergoes any type of abuse, it is damaging and painful. If a person was not physically abused, that does not mean they did not undergo trauma or lasting pain.
Emotional abuse is just as dangerous and harmful as physical abuse. While some people might argue with me, they cannot understand the pain unless they have actually gone through emotional abuse themselves. As someone who has gone through emotional abuse by my parents, I can share that it is extremely painful and traumatizing and has affected my life in the worst ways possible. Instead of being in a home of love and safety, I was constantly afraid of who was going to yell at me, get upset with me, or insult me.
I love both of my parents; however, I am not sure that they ever loved me because their actions and words showed the exact opposite. Rather than having parents who supported me in my struggles, my parents demonized me, yelled at me, and seemed to hate me.
From the trauma of my teenage years, I had to seek therapy as an adult. Through therapy, I have learned how to process these traumatic experiences. Part of processing these experiences is grieving the relationship I wanted to have with my parents. By taking time to grieve, I have been able to move forward in the healing process, and I now can help others who are going through similar situations.
If you are finding yourself in a similar place, know that there is help out there. Through therapy, turning to God, and support from other believers, you can live an abundant life (John 10:10). Life is yours for the taking, and there is no room for the pain of the past to hold you back any longer.
All of Your Pain Is Valid
Before we move forward, I want you to know that all of your pain is valid. Being emotionally abused and destroyed by your parents is extremely painful. I have likened my own pain to feeling as though you are being swallowed by the ocean. Each time my parents would get mad at me or say a hurtful word, I wanted to allow the giant sea waves to engulf me. In this way, I could finally escape.
I want you to know that feeling angry, hurt, and even bitter is understandable. We’re human. There is no timeline as to when you will heal from this pain, but friend, rest in the knowledge that peace is possible. Lasting peace is found in the Lord (John 14:27). As I have been processing my pain, I have seen that God is all I need. My mother and father have forsaken me, but the Lord receives me (Psalm 27:10). The Lord will receive you too, welcoming you with open arms.
As you are healing from the hurt inflicted by your parents, you will benefit from added resources like therapy. Christian therapy is ideal; however, if there are no Christian therapists in your area, a regular therapist should be able to help too. Therapy is beneficial to healing from emotional abuse as it gives us a safe place to express our feelings, share them, and seek out help. Much of my own healing has been through therapy, and I cannot recommend it enough.
Through therapy, you can learn how to replace the hurtful words of your parents with the truth of the Bible. Whenever you are tempted to dwell on a hurtful comment, a manipulative statement, or an insult, choose to turn to God. Open up your Bible, reflect on what God says, and allow it to change your heart. Choose to listen to God instead of your parents. He is the One who loves you with a perfect love and wants the best for your life.
Our Parents’ Non-Existent Love Versus God’s Unconditional Love
As children, we normally build our parents up to be untouchable. They are our biggest heroes until they hurt us one day. After this first hurt, it seems to start a domino effect where we grow up understanding just how imperfect our parents are. My parents have both said hurtful words to me, which will never be forgotten. While I have forgiven them, I will never forget these words and the pain they have caused me.
Due to my parents’ emotional abuse, I developed self-hate, low self-esteem, and a negative self-image. Each of these things created the perfect storm for the development of depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I have not truly recovered from any of these mental health concerns, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever will. If your parents convince you that you are unlovable, not worthy, and not valuable, how then can you ever expect to feel good about yourself?
I have often posed the question, “If my own parents don’t love me, who will?” Maybe you have also battled with this question. Personally, it has kept me up more nights than I would like to admit. The good news is that God loves us (John 3:16). Even if our parents don’t love us, God does, and His love is unshakable. The love He has for us will never be broken.
The Apostle Paul tells us, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39). This means that nothing can separate us from the love of God, which is found in Jesus Christ.
Our parents may have made us feel unlovable, unworthy, and not valuable, but we are lovable, worthy, and valuable because God tells us we are. Our parents have failed us, yet God never will. Choose to reflect on God’s love instead of your parents’ love. Once you can start doing this, everything will pale in comparison to the fulfillment and acceptance you receive from God.
Learning to Let Go and Trust God with the Future
Part of moving forward is letting go and forgiving our parents. Forgiveness is hard, yet it is something that God wants us to do (Ephesians 4:32). We already have to carry around the pain of our past. We don’t need to force ourselves to carry grudges against our parents too. Give all of the pain, hurt, and unforgiveness over to God. He will give you lasting relief and healing.
This is what I discovered must be done because the longer I held onto the pain, the more it controlled me. Once we can let go and give matters over to God, we can move forward with the future God has for us.
As soon as we are truly moving forward in God’s plans for our lives, we will see how much our parents were wrong about us. We are lovable, and many people will find great joy in our presence. There will be people who love us and will want to support us in our healing journey. Through the love of friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and a partner, God will help us to know we are loved. Never do we need to doubt the measures He will go to help us know we are loved by Him.
Look to the Lord today and allow Him to heal your broken heart (Psalm 147:3). Your parents might have destroyed you, but this is not the end of your story. It is only the beginning. There will be struggles along the way, but you can trust God. He loves you far beyond measure. As a beloved child of God, you can trust Him with your future.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Romolo Tavani
