In my country the amount of single women who choose to become a mother by artificial insemination has increased drastically in the last decades. One hospital in the capital reported that in 1992 they had only 28 single woman asking for such a treatment, in 2011 the number had increased to 223. The reasons why single women want to become single mothers are diverse. But an important factor is of course that their biological clock is ticking and that they didn’t found Mr. Right yet. Together with the drastically increasing divorce numbers in most European countries, it are indications that having a stable, loving and lasting relationship has become more and more difficult.
Many couples choose to divorce or separate. In some cases this is without any doubt the most sensible thing to do and in the best interest of both people. However I sometimes wonder if separation in general has not become a “golden hammer” to “solve” problems in a relationship. In some way it is a paradox, why is it that we humans have such difficulties in handling one of the oldest challenges of mankind, the ability to build a lasting relationship with the one we love? Of course there are the changes in society towards more liberal norms and values that have their impact. But as a psychologist I observed many times that we actually lack knowledge about the dynamics of a relationship. Although every relationship is different and unique, we can’t deny that there are distinctive stages in living together that apply to most relationships. However nobody really explained this to us when we started dating. We didn’t learn it at school and many of us who come from divorced families didn’t really have the chance to see an example of these stages when we were still at home.
Each stage has its own characteristics and brings particular challenges for a couple. I’m aware that in reality these stages are sometimes overlapping each other and the length of them can vary from one couple to another. However using distinctive stages to describe the evolution of a relationship makes things easier to explain. Let’s have a quick overview.
Stage 1: Falling in Love
It is the stage most of us like to remember. It’s the butterflies in the stomach period and the stage where we often lack some (or a lot of) rationality. We idealize the other and no matter how intensive and beautiful the emotions are that we have during this stage, they are not a guarantee for a lasting and happy relationship. Falling in love comes with a first challenge for a couple… in will come to an end. A funny African saying I once heard was “put a been in a large jar each time you make love during the first two years of your marriage. Then after these two years take a bean out each time you make love. You will find that the jar will never become empty anymore.” I like this saying, because it points out that the feelings we have for our partner change through the years. This is not a bad thing, it is simply natural. Just like everything in life evolves, so does the love we feel for others. What is essential in this dynamic (and too often overlooked), is that love not necessarily fades away, but that the quality of love changes in time.
Each time this happens, it comes with the potential risk that the relationship will have some difficulties or will not even survive. Because if a couple (or one of the two people involved) is not aware that living together has a dynamic of its own, then each time change occurs, it could be felt as alien and unwanted. “I don’t feel those butterflies anymore, I don’t have that passion anymore, our relationship has become a boring routine… “, are common arguments to give prove that “something is not as it was in the relationship and so we conclude that love has gone”. This could be a (first) potential reason to separate. In my social network there are some who are constantly searching for this first feeling of falling in love and therefore “frequently” ending and starting relationships with new partners. They want this excitement of a new beginning with a new person. They want nothing more and if they stick to this pattern, they will never have anything more than a sequence of “stage 1” relationships.
An alternative to separation at the end of this stage, is to look at the change in feelings as a sign that the relationship has evolved to a new stage and that it is getting deeper. This new situation offers a rich pallet of opportunities. You don’t lose stage one, instead you win stage two.
Stage 2: Creating a new and common external and internal world
In stage one two people from two different backgrounds came together and exploring the other was fascinating, fun and sometimes confrontational. When they move to stage two, they start to build a common understanding of how they (as a couple) want to live their lives and give shape to their future. They decide to live together and build a common external world (rent an apartment or build a house) and create their own system of norms and values (their own internal world). They build, explore, create, fight and enjoy the world and each other. Through this process they continue to grow as individuals and as a couple.
In this stage love transforms and takes the quality of trust, and mutual acceptance of the other. The idealizing of the other (typical for stage one) comes to an end. There is no hiding anymore, no pretending because so much time is spend together and all this intimacy has revealed to the other who we really are. And guess what, feeling accepted by another human being is a very enriching experience, especially when it is the one you love.
A potential threat for the relationship with the risk of separation comes from the inability to find a new and common ground. Being able to give the other what he/she needs and at the same time being able to receive what you need, can for some couples become a real issue. It implies the skill of making good compromises and the understanding that the tension and fights that come with it are not a sign that something is wrong, but a sign that the relationship is evolving in a natural way. So if a couple separates now, they might miss the chance of developing a healthy symbiotic relationship, meaning that they are growing towards each other without losing their individual selves.
Stage 3: Kids on the block
A next stage could be kids, the extension of your newly developed system. In this stage women become mothers and man become fathers (and possibly become real man). The experience of having once more a person around that accepts you the way you are (at least during the first couple of years), looks up to you, wants to learn from you, challenges you and makes you feel valuable and needed will influence the way you see yourself and the way you see the world. The existing system of two changes and the couple tries to create a healthy environment for a system of three.
The potential threat in this stage is obvious. A lot of attention goes from parents to children and lesser from parent to parent. Additionally a new common ground needs to be developed on how to give the best possible care for the child(-ren). Again a potential reason for people who don’t like change to consider separation.
An alternative to separation in stage 3 is to understand that love has transformed once more. The initial love between two is now shared with three (or more). Taking care of each other becomes a central theme. Seeing that little new person that is in some way half you and half the other is the new and most obvious transformation of the love you share with your partner. Every new skill that your child learns and each time you see that your child feels safe and confident, is a confirmation to the parents that they are creating the right kind of environment for their child.
Stage 4: Kids off the block – back to a system of two
The next step is when the kids leave home and have a life and a family of their own. The system goes back to two, the rhythm of life changes again and more time is available for the couple to spend together.
The part that couples are often most worried about in this stage is routine. Things could become boring and repetitive. In their minds love could be replaced by habit. Yes it could, but we actually have a choice. Separate and start something new, or realise that the real transformation of love lays in understanding the value of all the difficulties, all the challenges and crises that you have managed and survived as a couple. You have experienced together a journey and through it you have grown together as individuals and as a couple.The shared life story is the expression of love and the quality of that love lies in the security and familiarity you experience in the presence of the other. If boredom is a potential threat, then creativity, surprise and attentiveness are the variables to play with.
The way we (want) to perceive things…
If a relationship becomes sustainable or not depends for an important part on how we (want) to perceive things. As Gustav Flaubert once said, there is no truth, only perception. If we want to perceive love as something static or something dynamic, depends on our own choice. If we choose separation as an option to continue our life journey, or we choose to deal with the challenges that come with (any) relationship, is also a personal matter. However every time I see the pain and grief when people separate and the traces that it leaves in the personality of the people involved… I wonder if they would have been better off if only they could have seen the other options available? Living in a relationship is a complex matter and to take growing-together instead of constant happiness as a yardstick for a good relationship, is a perspective that creates options for a sustainable love.