If you are feeling lonely in your relationship, I know how hard it is to not get the affection you crave from him. When I feel “undernourished” in my relationship, I feel like I’m out to sea without a lifesaver in sight. I feel angry, hollow and so tired because all my body wants to do is sleep to make the hurt go away. Yes, I admit that I do need a lot of emotionally attention and tender affection from my man, and if you are like me, it doesn’t make you a bad person or a needy woman. It just makes you the beautiful human who you are!
Unfortunately, a lot of men don’t understand our needs. They don’t deeply desire the same degree of intimacy we do and they feel smothered and attacked when we continuously tell them what we aren’t getting from them. Some women don’t feel comfortable even asking for what they need so they just look at their men all the time with the “needy smile”, which is equally irritating to a man.
Men want to provide. They want to be needed and succeed at their giving. When we have a problem with what they are giving us and how much they are dishing out, they get upset. It makes them feel less like men and more like incompetents. That’s when they really start to get annoyed, because nobody wants to feel like an incompetent. Men would really label us as needy, clingy, dramatic, emotionally-high-strung, than feel like they are losers.
The best way to get the affection you crave from him is to:
1. Be EXTREMELY appreciative of all the good things he does give you
and
2. Ask for what you need in a way that he can hear!
So, firstly, how can you be more appreciative? It may sound like an irksome question, considering you may currently feel like you’d rather yank the ice pick out his heart than show him more attention. However, if you want that affection, you have to think and act smart– you have to “give-to-get.”
People always say that men are like dogs– eager to please and simple to train. This is not really true. Men are sometimes like dogs, but when they aren’t, they are like cats and you have to play their game to get anything from them. If your man is currently not eager to please you and give you what you need in the affection department, you have to give him a reason to give you what you need (again, dealing with the cat personality).
Cats are very into seduction games. They love a good feather tickling their nose or a piece of soft yarn dangling right above their head like a “wink and a smile” summoning them to play. They are VERY appreciative of an owner who takes the time to play these seduction games with them, and men are the same. If you want more affection, seduce him with your words, “Oh, hunny, I just want you to know that you are the best lover I have ever had” or “The way you pump gas is so sexy, I feel like I’m at the full-station being serviced by Russell Crowe in a Texaco jumpsuit.”
Yes, men are that susceptible to a compliment… ANY compliment! He could look more like Mr. Bean than Russell Crowe on a good day and he’ll STILL believe it! And the more compliments you give, the more your man will start to believe all of them. Suddenly, he will be looking to you to offer him the best reflection of himself he’s gotten from anyone! That’s when you pounce… Oh yes, you too can be a kitten in this cat seduction!
When you have shown appreciation (more than you are now, even if you already feel you do show him appreciation, you need to give MORE to get MORE), then I want you to ask for what you need from him… without asking for what you need. You curl up next to him (the soft yarn) and touch him lovingly (the tickling feather) and you say something like:
“I feel lonely and my heart is dusty. It needs some affection and attention”
“I feel like I need some affection right now because I just love you soooo much.”
“I want to be loved on by the only man I adore and who has the power to make me truly blissful!”
You get the idea. No blaming, bitching, whining, screaming, huffing. No silent treatment, no pouting, no arms crossed and head down while you say “I don’t know what I need.” We have all done those things and they don’t work. Yes, it’s really hard to feel like a STARVING wife or girlfriend and ask for what you expect will be a CHICKPEA from him at best. But change happens slowly. The more he can trust that he can be vulnerable with you (it feels REALLY vulnerable to most men to show affection and be intimate) and not get yelled at or punished for not doing it “right” or “enough”, the more he will eventually risk and give of himself.
You can’t YANK, PULL, TUG love and affection from him. I know it’s tempting because a starving heart is DESPERATE, but think of it as God’s lesson to you about patience and trust. Even if you aren’t religious or spiritual, you can still think of it as a lesson in relating with loved ones. If you are really feeling HUNGRY and UPSET, write a comment here and spew-away.