I sometimes hear from women who regret the hard stance they took once they realized their boyfriend was not going to propose during their optimal time frame. Some makes threats and some actually leave. And many end up regretting their responses quite deeply.
I heard from someone who said: “I was with my boyfriend for almost four years. We were very happy together. In fact, we only had one problem. I wanted to get engaged and he wasn’t ready. At first, he would say to give him a few years and he would be ready once he finished school. But those few years passed and there was always an issue – he didn’t have enough money yet or a good enough job. His mother became ill. I tried very hard to be patient. But I was devastated each time I watched our mutual friends get married or proposed while we still were not. Last year, I told him that I wanted to be engaged by Christmas or I would doubt our future. Christmas came and went. He wouldn’t even offer me reassurances, much less a proposal. And this made me so very sad. One day after a big fight (about his lack of proposal, of course,) I packed my bags and I left. That has been about three months ago. At first, I considered going back. But as more time passed and he wasn’t begging me to come back, the more my pride got in the way. So I have stayed away. And I have missed him more than I can possibly say. Every time I go out with another guy, all it does is offer proof that there really is no other man for me. Yesterday, one of our mutual friends called and told me that my ex told her that he misses me deeply and he wishes he wouldn’t have messed things up. I want to call him badly. But I also don’t want to still be unmarried five years from now. What should I do?”
This was a tough call. It seemed very clear to this woman that time was not going to heal this wound. In other words, she felt very sure that she was not going to meet another man, get married to him, and then be happy. Because she was always going to see her ex as the one who got away or the one she couldn’t have. So, I felt that she might consider giving this one more try, but with some guidelines in place. Because you don’t want to just go into a situation where you’re going to have the same old problems with the same old results. That is a path to disaster and to the potential end of your relationship. So it’s very important that you this correctly, which I’ll discuss below.
Focus On Reconciling Before You Place Your Focus On The Elephant In The Room: You don’t want to bring up the lack of the proposal or the future immediately. You want to take things very slowly because frankly, you don’t know exactly where he stands. Both people are probably worrying about what the other is thinking and feeling. You want for things to be on an even keel before you even think about bringing up difficult topics. You want to enjoy rediscovering one another before you even think about bringing up the future. You want for your relationship to reach a point where you know that it can handle this conversation. It is better to wait a little too long than to rush it.
When You Feel Ready To Bring Up The Future, Be Very Careful About How You Phrase It: As I said, it is much better to delay this conversation then to rush into it so that it ends up badly. You don’t for your boyfriend to feel pressured and to think “here we go again.” But, it is not fair for you to worry that you are never going to get the commitment that you want when you are putting your whole heart and soul into this relationship.
So, when your relationship is on very solid ground and things are going extremely well, you might consider saying something like: “I am so glad I am back in your life. I was so unhappy when we were apart and I never want to be without you again. I am so happy right now. And I don’t want for anything to derail our relationship again. So do you mind if we talk about how we can avoid repeating the same mistakes? I want for us to be open and honest. I still love you so much that I eventually want a commitment and I need to know where you stand on that. Can we talk about what your reservations might be? Or a time frame on which to reevaluate? I can give you some time if you need it but I don’t want to wait indefinitely. I just want for us to come to a compromise where we can both be happy and comfortable. Because I don’t want for anything to come between us again.”
The whole point of this conversation is for him to open up over what his doubts might be. If he’s still worried about money, now is hopefully the time he can tell you. Then perhaps you can agree as to how much money you will save before you get engaged. This gives you a very concrete time frame over which you have control. Or he may say that he feels he’s too young. Then your next question would be what is his ideal age. Again, you are trying to narrow down a time frame so that you have some reassurance and something to look forward to while he no longer feels pressured. The whole point is to find a place where you are both happy.
Once you strike that balance, work on making your relationship as good as it can possibly be. Because if he is happy and you have made good on your agreement, he is much more likely to give you the engagement that you want. But to answer the question posed, I believe that if your heart is telling you to give it another shot, your choice is to do that or to always wonder what might have been.