When speaking of honesty, I am referring to honesty with your partner and being honest with yourself. Let’s first talk about being honest with you. People enter into relationships for a variety of different reasons. Some do it because they enjoy the companionship while others work better in life when they feel as if they are on a team. Some jump into relationships because they feel that is what is expected of them. No matter what your reason, you must be willing to take an honest look at why you want to be in a relationship. When we have not been honest with ourselves or about why we are in a relationship or why you have chosen the partner that you have, then the foundation for passion and romance is off kilter from the beginning. You must first decide what you really truly want for yourself. How do you envision your life with someone? What type of person makes a good partner for YOU? What type of relationship feeds your soul and inspires you to love and thrive?
You may not even realize that there is an ongoing internal conflict that perpetuates inside. What we want, what we need, what is right for us, and what we think others might think is best for us, may strongly differ. When we are not true to ourselves, we are living a life that is off balance. If you notice that you feel unsettled or off balance in your current relationship, it is possible that you are in the need of some personal honesty. Have you chosen a partner that is not the best match for you? Have you let something or someone go making you wonder why? Have you not allowed yourself to put both feet in the relationship so that you can dance? Have you been living a healthy well balanced life? Have you taken a good hard look?
You must be willing to explore all areas of your life to determine if you are taking into account your overall health, including your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, interpersonal, and professional wellbeing. Your partner choices must correlate with your interests, your passions, and your value system and relationship goals in order to be powerfully meaningful and passionate for the long haul.
It is important to remember that in pursuing a goal for your relationship to be filled with passion, romance and love, you must be willing to grow and modify your own behavior and adapt to changing circumstances. Your vision for a passionate relationship should not look like the Great Wall of China which is close to impossible to get through. Instead, it must be one of commitment, desire, determination, flexibility and adaptability.
Honesty with your partner
Being honest with your partner probably goes without saying, but let’s mention it anyway as a simple reminder. Honesty in a relationship is IMPERATIVE! It is vital to the health and wellbeing of all relationships. In addition, a lack of honesty is the very thing that steals away passion, lust and romance. Lack of honesty builds up in the form of withholds, ie, keeping your true feelings hidden to the point that it eats away at the very goals you desire to achieve. Understanding, trust, openness, and faith in your partner are the crucial ingredients to feelings of friendship and intimacy. On the other hand, it is extremely difficult to be invested in a relationship with a partner who twists or withholds information that is vital to the relationship.
However, being honest all the time can be difficult, threatening, and even scary. As human nature goes, we all have overwhelming internal tensions that can tug us away from telling the truth and being fully honest with our partner. One of the most powerful of the tugs of war is fear – fear of what our partner will think of us; fear of how they will react to our concerns; fear of how they will use the information we have finally divulged. When you love someone, the thought of disappointing them can make it very difficult to be totally honest.
Pee In The Bath Water
One of my main distinctions regarding withholds and its affect upon a relationship is the Pee In The Bath Water. Not being honest with your partner greatly affects the internal process of the relationship, especially as it builds up over time. Even if your partner is unaware of a lie, you know it’s there! Let me put this in more simple terms and give you an example. I am a mother of four, of which two are very young. On special occasions the kids want to play in a big bubble bath with mommy. Inevitably, the youngest hits the warm water and pees. Now he could care less that there is pee in our bath water. As a matter of fact, he’s not even aware of how many times that he has peed. I, however, know that we are sitting in it and no longer enjoy it even with the bubbles covering it up. We then get out and refill the tub with clean water, so that we can go about our playtime together. Your dishonesty is no different than the pee in the bath water. Just because your partner is unaware or ignoring the matter, doesn’t mean that you are. The relationship will quickly be polluted and romance, passion and love go down the drain.
No safe place to hide
Once you have been honest with yourself, you then must get over the fear of feeling vulnerable to your partner and the fear of the unknown. Think about this. Fear consistently keeps people in a very unhappy place. Whether it is a place of loneliness, denial, anger, frustration or loss, fear ensures your ticket on that same ride day after day. People stay in those unhappy places not because they enjoy it, but because fear of change or the unknown is often greater than the fear of the status quo. Most fears inhibit self worth and self esteem and consequently inhibit passion. Lack of mobility and growth as a result of the fear of rejection, criticism, and loneliness set the stage for unmet love, passion and romance to breed. As you become more and more confident with your ability to try new things and recognize the value of having your needs met, you will become more willing to take on greater challenges and overcome bigger fears.
Being Honest While Facing Your Fears
In the end, being honest is the best policy for any relationship. Being honest from the beginning will create either a solid foundation for being in the relationship, or a solid reason why not to be. In other words, if you are honest and your partner doesn’t appreciate you for being so, then there may very well be a reason not to be in that relationship. Of course, there are other communication factors, such as how your information or ideals are presented, the tone used, etc, but that’s another issue to be discussed at another time. For now, be sweet, genuine, and take a soft approach to your honesty and see where it takes you. Either way, it will be for the better.
Love, Passion, Romance, and Intimacy are the very foundations for a happy and healthy relationship. While other characteristics and intrinsic actions also qualify for a successful relationship, my passion and desire is to bring sex alive and well to every relationship, while addressing the very foundations necessary to do so.